


you, you, you, you, you, and me.

by gavinsaleks (ohmaggies)



Category: The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 01:46:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12784287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmaggies/pseuds/gavinsaleks
Summary: ' Aleks falls in love a total of five times in his lives. In his first life, he is eighteen with long brown hair, and James is a man he meets through another few friends, and they're young and only friends. When he opens his eyes next, he's twenty-four and his hair is bleached blonde, and James is the name of a mercenary he works with. 'au in which aleks dies and every time he does, wakes up as himself in another universe. james is always there, and aleks falls for him in every life he lives.





	you, you, you, you, you, and me.

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Tiếng Việt available: [[Vietnamese translation] you, you, you, you, you, and me.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16733352) by [higherthan_ (roccketraccoon)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roccketraccoon/pseuds/higherthan_)



> some sad bois with some happy moments in between and a happy ending, because I'm a sucker for a happy ending. Also, an idea I had and had to write because it seemed fun.
> 
> thanks for checking this out!!
> 
> \- rachel.

**i.**

 

Aleks falls in love a total of five times in his lives.

 

Each time is vastly different to the last, though every time he wakes up with one name in his head and memories of a man with soft hands, long hair, and what it felt like being warmly pressed against him.

 

Aleks always dies in a horrific accident, a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time or other times he gets himself in trouble; or he goes looking for 'James’ and it takes him to bad places, which is too often the case.

 

In his first life, he is eighteen with long brown hair, and James is a man he meets through another few friends, and they're young and only friends.

 

They play video games until three in the morning and Aleks lingers when they hug, and falls asleep against him when he doesn't get much sleep. And James never complains, he softens an arm around Aleks’ arm and puts his head on his, but he never complains and they never talk about it.

 

He borrows James’ shirts and blushes when someone else notices, and gives them back while trying not to think about spending his whole life with James.

 

It's hard not to, when he looks at Aleks like that and suddenly his chest feels all loose and fluttery, but he pushes down the feeling and focuses on other things. Anything that isn't him and James, sharing a great big house with however many dogs James wants, and a couch so Aleks doesn't get a sore back napping against him.

 

They get high on James’ balcony when Aleks is twenty-two, hair shorter and well-kept. He's always tired but James has a girlfriend so he doesn't stay over anymore to play games or fall asleep next to James.

 

Really, he doesn't sleep at all. He blinks how exhausted he is from his eyes and makes an excuse about needing to go home because he has something being delivered and has to sign for it. James doesn't believe him, he never does, but he walks with him to the door.

 

They hug, but it doesn't linger.

 

Aleks is twenty-three the first time someone asks if he and James are dating. He's wearing one of James’ baggy hoodies and his lungs feel suddenly empty, but he shakes his head and forces a laugh like it doesn't hurt when he says no.

 

Everything feels a little heavier, a little sadder, and the girlfriend he never sees breaks up with him over text because she doesn't feel like his main priority. Or, that's what he tells James. Really, her text is about James and Aleks reads it over ten times before shutting off his phone.

 

He dies when he's twenty-four and James waves to him from across the street moments before. His heart feels stuck in his throat but he waves back, his eye catching on the snow stuck on his jacket sleeve.

 

The car takes the corner too harsh and skids on ice, knocking Aleks over when he crosses the street, and sending him through the front windshield of a parked car. The glass shatters and his body contorts, and through the ringing in his own ears, he can hear James shouting something.

 

He dies when he's twenty-four in his best friend's arms, and he's well beyond realising he's in love but when he tries to say it, the words come out all choked.

 

_

 

**ii.**

 

When he opens his eyes next, he's twenty-four and his hair is bleached blonde, and James is the name of a mercenary he works with.

 

He goes by Nova but Aleks just _knows_ and he also knows he should be dead. He searched online obituaries for his name but comes blank, and the only James Wilson he can find is a man who supposedly died last year in an explosion.

 

Aleks asks about it and Nova shrugs, says it's easier to stay off the grid if people think you're dead, and Aleks wonders what happened to his James- hands soaked with Aleks’ blood, hair loose around his shoulders instead of his hair tied back.

 

He's his James but tougher, a new James who gets punched and spits out blood on the sidewalk, and laughs while telling Aleks how much the bullet wound he has hurts. They're assassin's or gang members, but Aleks doesn't care enough to find out, just holds James’ hand while a guy named Asher stitches him up.

 

The way he looks at him isn't his James but he looks like him, and feels like him, and Aleks tries to ignore how guilty he feels when this new James kisses him. They're on a balcony after a heist and they're both injured, and James leans over slowly enough for Aleks to move away but he doesn't.

 

James' hands are soft and gentle on Aleks’ face, where he hasn't shaved rough against Aleks’ face, and he kisses slowly, full of love.

 

Aleks pulls away to laugh, a small chuckle breathed out, and eyes shut as he lowers his head. He's nervous, and scared of dying in James’ arms once again, but James kisses him when he lifts his head and they both fall into it, and Aleks thinks about how lucky he is that this James likes him back.

 

It's not his James but he talks like him and looks like him and feels like him, and Aleks doesn't want to mourn the loss of that love for the rest of his life so he smiles into this James’ mouth, raises a hand to grasp his wrist.

 

The air feels thin from the cold, and Aleks is wearing a thick bulletproof vest, but he thinks about his James holding him dying, and how he spent five years pining over him, and figured maybe he owes it to both of them.

 

Maybe he doesn't, but he and James stumble inside to James’ bed and his hands are soft on Aleks’ now bare chest as he looks down at him, and Aleks deserves this. He died a few weeks ago and woke up here, and this James leans down to catch his lips in a kiss that is so airy that it's barely a kiss.

 

It feels like the love he should've have, the one he wanted, and he tugs at the hem of James’ shirt and clings his lips to his neck.

 

James could've died, he could've been shot and died- Aleks presses a kiss to his shoulder, lets his fingers curl around it, pauses to catches his breath. It isn't his James but he's close enough; his hands are the same, and his movements are so similar that Aleks is almost convinced for a moment that it is him.

 

He kisses him, everything else forgotten, and if he closes his eyes, he's eighteen and in love and his James is with him. He looks at this James, smiles at him when he pauses to run a hand through Aleks’ light hair.

 

And, part of him wonders if this is some kind of afterlife. Some twisted version of his heaven where he gets James this time, gets to kiss him and be close, and where James likes him back for reasons Aleks can't figure out.

 

Aleks falls asleep in James’ bed that night, naked but warm against him, and James smiles at him in a way that has Aleks’ heart tight in his chest. He didn't get his James but he gets this James, thinner and hardened, bullet scars lining his body.

 

He presses a kiss to one fading on his collarbone, letting a curious finger trace along it.

 

“It's from when I was twenty-four,” he says, quiet but voice loud in the quiet of the room. “My friend, he… He got into an accident and I got hit by shrapnel trying to save him. He died before I could get to him and I've had this ever since.”

 

Aleks nods, eyes moving up to meet James’ before letting his gaze continue to drift. He doesn't know what his scars are from because this life wasn't his to live, but when James points to a collection of white scars on his neck and right shoulder, he stills.

 

“Car accident, I think.”

 

He wants to tell James, explain that he died and he died in his arms, but James’ eyes are closed and he's moving to accommodate Aleks, waiting for him to rest against him. Aleks moves closer and lies down, and cards his fingers through the hair on James’ chest.

 

He thinks about his James and how much he wanted to do this with him, and no matter how hard he tries to sleep, he doesn't.

 

The next day, they're in the middle of a heist and Aleks is leaning out of breath against a concrete pillar. He's not 'Immortal’, or whoever he was before he woke up here, and he's busy nursing a bullet stuck in his thigh when he hears James shouting. His voice is loud, desperate, torn up enough, that Aleks turns to find him and instead catches the roof beginning to cave in.

 

“Fuck-”

 

He sees ash and dust, and the pain in his leg is too much for him to drag himself out. James’ voice is in his ear through a small headpiece; he sounds scared and like he's inhaled too much smoke. Aleks’ looks up and catches the crumbling of the pillar next to him.

 

“Aleksandr!”

 

He closes his eyes.

 

_

 

**iii.**

  


The world is dark this time, nothing but crumbling city buildings and and fire. He's younger this time, with brown hair and tattered clothes on, and he finds pretty easily that not very many people lived to the end of the world.

 

James finds his side pretty easily, greeting him like they're close friends, and Aleks turns to get a good look at him. The world has been dead for three years but it's given him James.

 

James’ hair is loose but cut short, skin on his face not void of his usual facial hair, and he looks older. Aleks gets a closer look at him in the torchlight and at how hardened and harsh his features are, and he reaches a hand out to trace them. James looks at him, eyebrows narrowed, but he doesn't move.

 

They're friends, just friends, and Aleks sits next to him at breakfast and asks James if he remembers how they met. James says they've been friends since they were kids, that Aleks was the Best Man at his wedding, and Aleks feels sick.

 

Aleks thinks about dying three times and waking up twice, and how of all the universes, this has to be his least favourite.

 

_

 

**iv.**

 

In this universe, Aleks wakes up to his head on a steering wheel, the red and blue of cop lights behind him. And James, yelling over Aleks’ shoulder to tell him to drive.

 

He presses on the gas and let's out an uneasy yell as he takes a corner too fast. There's a police badge discarded on the dash, the numb voice of the woman on the radio, and James calling directions out to Aleks.

 

This is not his James, he knows that much; this James has his hair out, a thin black choker around his neck, and a red and black button up plaid shirt on. He's different but his face is the same and his voice has the same bark to it; Aleks catches his reflection with his unshaven face and light pink hair, and sighs.

 

“Left!” James says, so suddenly that Aleks almost jumps.

 

Still, he turns the steering wheel, harsh, and the wheels skid before righting themselves.

 

He drives until James says they've lost the heat, something that makes Aleks remembers Nova and their heists, and he tries to push it into the back of his mind. It can wait until later, when he's alone and he can think back on how much he keeps fucking all these lives with all these James’ up.

 

“Joe was right about you, you know?” This James, a small smile on his face as he climbs into the passenger seat beside Aleks.

 

“Yeah?”

 

If he's being honest, living all these different lives that aren't his don't feel right, and he has too many moments where he wants to know why he keeps doing this. Dying then coming back, as someone he isn't but always with James by his side.

 

He doesn't believe in soulmates but maybe he believes in him and James- them, together no matter what or where, always somehow finding each other.

 

“Yeah,” this James says, a humorous laugh breaking the uneasy silence in the car. “That turn back there was fucking amazing, dude!”

 

In this universe, Aleks is the getaway driver for James’ crew and he stays at their place because he doesn't have an apartment of his own. He falls asleep on James’ couch and wakes up with one of James’ jackets draped over him, and sometimes James stares just a little too long when he should look away.

 

In this universe, James is hopelessly in love and it takes Aleks until he's been pressed against a wall and James is kissing him desperately to realise it. They're a mess, he knows that, but this James whispers 'I love you’ into a kiss and Aleks feels warm all over.

 

It feels like it should, and maybe it's not his James but he laughs and his face lights up, and Aleks is almost convinced for a moment that it is him. Except, all the other James’ are alive and Aleks is only alive in this universe, and that's impossible.

 

He manages a feeble and nervous, “I love you, too,” his laugh small and bright. Happiness feels like a comfortable heat, he knows that much- he knows that he's been alive in four separate lives and this is the first time he's heard any of the James’ tell him they love him.

 

James has one of those stupid chokers on and Aleks’ shaky fingers manage one of the buttons of his shirt. They're laughing like teenagers, face's bright and confessions of love still fresh in Aleks’ mind.

 

Maybe his James didn't love him, and maybe the second James might've, and maybe the third James was married and there was no way he did, but this James presses Aleks to a wall and kisses him until they can't breathe.

 

Their faces are red, their kisses clumsy and curved lips kissing smiles, and James pauses to lean his forehead against Aleks’. “I've liked you for, like, _ever_. You know that?”

 

It hits too hard for a moment that this James isn't his, that the Aleks he replaced deserves this and that James fell in love with him, not this new Aleks. He stumbles on his words, lips parted to talk but no words ready to be said.

 

He swallows his anxiety, drawing James back in for a kiss, losing himself in the kiss enough that he doesn't have to think about anything else for a while. It's a good distraction, his mind drifting to thoughts of his James and being eighteen and in love, and he ignores the burning he feels at the corner of his eyes.

 

This time when he dies, he's running through a crowd of terrified bystanders to find James. The heist went wrong because someone sold them out, and James’ voice was strained on the other side of the radio. He was trying to tell him to stay where he was- safe- but there was gunshots and yelling, and Aleks couldn't just sit there and do nothing.

 

“James!” he manages.

 

James hasn't died yet, in all the universes Aleks has been in, and he isn't ready to find out what happens when it's not him who dies first. The crowd thins when he raises his gun and fires a shot at the ceiling, eyes frantically scanning the room.

 

In this universe, somehow, he dies in James’ arms again.

 

James finds him bleeding out behind one of the bank desks, and Aleks tries to comfort him but his voice is pained, James’ breathing shallow and loud. He's swearing, calling words into his headset to try and get help, and Joe answers on the other side saying they can't get in.

 

Aleks is telling James to go before he knows what he's saying, but James kneels beside him and grabs his hand, shaking his head.

 

“Aleksandr-”

 

He should've stayed in the car and waited but he'd heard James’ voice and panicked, rushing into the bank before he even could register what he was doing. His skin is cold when James places a hand on his cheek, lips feverishly warm when he kisses his forehead, and James has this look in his eyes like his heart's been broken.

 

“I'll see you again,” Aleks whispers, looking at James’ wide, worried eyes as he wipes the blood from his mouth on the back of his hand. “I always see you again.”

 

 _Always_.

 

_

  
**v.**  

 

He wakes up suddenly on a dirty couch, hands moving to his stomach to a phantom gunshot wound.

 

“You okay?”

 

It's less rough than the previous James’ voice but Aleks knows who it is; recognises the voice and looks over to him. He has his hair tied up and he's dressed normally, a controller in his hands. It's familiar, and reminds him of his James, all those times they would stay up until ridiculous hours of the morning playing video games.

 

“Bad dream,” he mutters, leaning up and reaching for a bottle of water sitting on the coffee table. His stomach hurts and his heart beats alive in his chest, images of the previous James stuck in his mind. He's tired- beyond exhausted, even- and he runs his hand down his face, ignores this James he doesn't know watching him.

 

“What was it about?”

 

Aleks shrugs, catching his reflection in the paused black screen of the game this new James is playing. He's twenty-five, maybe, and his hair is a faded bleached blonde, but he looks almost like he did when he was with Nova; it makes him miss him, just a little.

 

“Dunno, man. It was some weird shit.” He's honest, at least, and James resumes his game so he must not think much of it.

 

It's snowing outside, Aleks realises, and he gets up and walks towards the back door, flicking the lock to open it. He's so used to warmth and death, and life or death solutions, and unrequited love, that the sight of it makes him miss home. He feels eighteen again, meeting his James for the first time, and his heart swells with misery.

 

He steps into the snow, rubbing his palms in front of him to warm them up.

 

There's the sound of crunching snow behind him, a glance revealing an older James following closely behind him, and he smiles briefly at him before turning back to admire the blankets of white on the ground. It reminds him, achingly so, of home. Or, the one he used to know with his James, and how they used to spend hours outside messing around in it.

 

“It's like one degree out here, aren't you cold?”

 

Aleks laughs warmly; it sounds like his James, and he looks up with his eyes closed before shaking his head. There's snow trapped in his hair so he reaches a hand up to move it out, realising after the adrenaline of having been shot in a past life wears off that it's freezing out. “This is normal weather where I'm from.”

 

“You're gonna catch a cold, Aleksandr.”

 

“I'm fuckin’ fine, dude.” There's nothing malicious about his words and he shifts around to look at James, smiling and squinting against the unusual brightness of the sun.

 

“You're gonna die again if you're not careful.”

 

Aleks stops completely, his heart doing uneasy thumps in his chest, and he breathes out a shaky breath like maybe he misheard wrong and he can brush it off with a laugh. “What are you talking about?”

 

He's died four times in the last few weeks, twice in James’ arms and twice close enough to James that he had to watch Aleks die knowing he could do nothing about it. For a second, he wonders if maybe one of the James’ died and somehow they've found their way to this universe together, but it feels impossible.

 

“You'll get hypothermia wearing just that shirt, it's cold out there-”

 

“Again,” he interrupts. “What do you fucking mean 'again’?”

 

James stares at the snow without answering, the words seemingly not yet found. Until, finally, he shrugs and looks back at Aleks, eyes full of curiosity and confusion. He looks worried, almost, and Aleks wonders if he's as scared as Aleks feels. “What you said before you died, I- I assumed you remembered everything.”

 

“... James?”

 

“I- I remember all those other lives but I don't think they were me, you know? But I remember you, in all of them; you always dying and me never being able to save you,” he says. His voice is strained, echoed by the whistle of wind. “Let me save you this time.”

 

Aleks stares for longer than he should, watches the way James kicks at the snow, before starting to walk over to him. There's crunching under his feet, the small distance between them closing easily. But, Aleks doesn't know what to do. He knows he wants to hug him, maybe, and that he wants to kiss him more than almost anything, but instead he stands still.

 

“You remember my first life?”

 

The one where they met when Aleks was eighteen and he spent five years in love with James before he died in that accident. The accident where James was cradling him in his arms, blood and glass everywhere, and how hard Aleks tried to tell him he loved him. It feels, literally, like an entire lifetime ago.

 

“I remember all of them.”

 

Aleks looks up at him, just enough to remind him of how James is only slightly taller, when he feels a hand on his cheek. It's soft but warm, particularly in the cold, and Aleks doesn't move away from it.

 

“I remember you, being in love with me,” comes out quietly, the warmth of his breath against Aleks’ cheek. “I remember a lot, Aleksandr. The details are a little fuzzy but I think I loved you too.”

 

He looks like James, sounds like him, but Aleks wonders how this James could possibly remember all the other lives; wonders if he remembers every part of it like a memory. Even Aleks can't remember it all, not from his first life or the last, and he blames it on not wanting to. Living life after life only to die feels so cruel, even if it's some kind of second chance for him, for _them_.

 

It sounds too good to be true, but James kisses him then and he doesn't move away.

 

“You know how long I waited for you?” This James says, moving away slightly to look at him. “In every life. I remember years from all of them when you weren't there and I could tell something was missing. But, this is right. You don't know what it felt like losing you, every single time, and the other me's didn't know but I do.”

 

Aleks smiles weakly at him and wonders if he'll get to stay in this life when it feels too good to be true.

 

_

  


In this universe, he doesn't die weeks or days later. He falls asleep in James’ bed and they eat takeout for dinner every night, and they kiss and the world doesn't feel like it's counting down the seconds until Aleks wakes up somewhere else with someone else.

 

He Google's his name and James’ name, and the sight of a successful search where they're okay is comforting. He keeps doing it, almost can't stop because it's become such a habit, and nothing about it ever changes. Aleks has had enough of change for a bit, thinks maybe this is the universe for him.

 

James kisses his neck to distract him during a game and Aleks starts yelling at him because he's cheating, trying to keep the smile off his face. It isn't his James or the other James’, but it's the best James, the one who loves him in a world where he doesn't die.

 

When he's twenty-six, James proposes and he says yes.

 

They're lying in bed, James pointing to Aleks’ scars and Aleks explaining they're from each time he died, and how he died. Car accident that appears as small white scars on his neck and shoulder, bullet wound in his thigh that shows up as a white dot, bite mark that looks like three white dots in this universe, and a bullet to the stomach that resembles a white birthmark.

 

James traces them with his finger and kisses the nape of his neck where his shoulder meets, and Aleks breathes softly.

 

“I love you.”

 

“Enough to marry me?” James whispers, lips and breath warm against Aleks ear.

 

“Why, you asking me to?”

 

“Yeah, Aleksandr, yeah.”

 

He says yes, obviously.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you sm for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. feel free to leave kudos or a comment if you feel like it.
> 
> you can find my writing tumblr @ fakespoetry / you can find my personal tumblr @ ohgavins ! and my personal spotify with personal playlists and playlists for this fic and my apocalypse au one is 'akrasias'. 
> 
> thanks!!!
> 
> \- rachel.


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